Ranking five best SEC college football mascots: Georgia, Ole Miss, Auburn make the cut

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In today’s digital world, where every stat ever recorded is available to any boozed-up fan with a smartphone, the age old art of debating “my home team is better than your bums” seems to have lost a bit of shine. 

There are too many YouTube videos to lean on. Too many clever tweets to quote. Too many numbers to win an argument. 

But there’s still one facet of college football greatness debates that remains untouched by pesky data or obnoxious prognosticators. Still one that’s all about heart. All about belief. All about pride: which college mascot kicks the most ass. 

Let’s not stand on ceremony and get right to it.  (And yes, this list is definitive.)

No. 5: South Carolina Gamecocks’ “Cocky”

Let’s be honest. Cocky isn’t exactly the most athletic of the mascots. He’s a bit soft around the middle. For some reason he has huge feet and tiny hands. He’s a rooster in a league filled with tigers, gators, and wildcats. And he doesn’t give one whit. He’s still got the swagger. The attitude. He’s Cocky. Sometimes it’s not the size of the bird in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the bird. 

No. 4: Ole Miss Rebels’ “Tony the Landshark”

Ole Miss’ vaunted offense is based largely on deception. You never know where the ball is going. The same is true for its mascot. What is a landshark? Why does he rep the Rebels? Why is he called Tony? Who knows? Who cares! If a very fast man with the toothed head of a shark came running at you in a darkened alley, would you stand your ground or run for your life? Exactly. 

No. 3: Georgia Bulldogs’ “Hairy Dawg”

To begin with, Hairy has a jaw that would snatch the heart out of even the hardest hitters. Few could pack a punch powerful enough to phase a jaw like that. But the closer for Hairy is the Mike Alstott neck roll. With a head full of steam there’s no way Hairy is headed for the sideline. Ever. He’s lowering his shoulder. Then he’s lowering the boom. 

No. 2: Arkansas Razorbacks’ “Big Red”

Look at those tusks. Those aren’t some watered down, there for show, Pumbaa-from-“Lion King” ornamental fixtures. Those tusks are there to maim. But that’s not the half of it. Look at Big Red’s eyes. Those aren’t friendly take-the-kids-over-to-meet-the-fuzzy-animal eyes. Those eyes are mean. They’re plotting destruction. With a nearly Anthony Davis unibrow that lets you know he means business. And his business is pain. 

No. 1: Auburn Tigers’ “War Eagle” 

Maybe this is a cheat, because Auburn’s fuzzy friend, Aubie is usually the one roaming the sidelines, and he didn’t make the cut. But when the national anthem plays and the Auburn faithful cry out for the War Eagle and she comes soaring in over the field like an angel of glorious victory, if those aren’t tears misting your eyes for the greatest All American pastime in the land, this isn’t the listicle for you! War Eagle for the win!

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